Poker Poems

RumpleTiltSkin

2011-05-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

They felt poor, oh so poor, Joseph Miller and his daughter
It's no fun getting funds pestering people through phones
She spent four years in dorms - biggest gift he ever bought her
In return all that they earned seemed to go to student loans

She would smile sorting files at her mindless occupation
Inside she cried and would've liked a stiff drink
She hoped for a promotion so she'd use her education
That was not what she got, her paper was pink

She got fired, things were dire, what were they to do?
They looked on Craigslist (Yes, that desperate) for a financial guru
All promised maximum funds - one had minimum spin
It was written by a little man called Rumpletiltskin

He said when one is ready to get out of debt
Stay far from the market - that's not a safe bet
And it is less of a gamble by far
To be a Full Tilter or a Pokerstar

But he didn't suggest that anyone ought
To gamble online without being taught
How to make a buck become at least two
And teaching is what he offered to do

She said she had no funds with which to pay
He replied that's no surprise and that's okay
She just had to say that she'd give him the mon-
Ey that she earned from her first tourney won

He taught her patience for the poker grind
Helped her see how to handle the blinds
Taught her the odds for hands of all kinds
Not just handling cards, but playing with minds

Then she spun a few tales - she majored in writing
After six tries she sold one, that was exciting
Since the publication of her literary voice
Let her make a deposit at the site of her choice

She dove in and strove to apply what she'd learned
A little dough was lost and a little more was earned
Low limit games with a conservative style
Meant she would not make much for a while

But the style she chose was the right one to choose
She was in it to win not for fun on a cruise
No retries, no re-buys, not much she could lose
The bigger the risk, the bigger the bruise

She took some blows and losses started to mount
Half the funds gone from her poker account
Up against slow-played aces she hit quads with her jack
And so she doubled her stack and she didn't look back

Next few weeks brought bad beats but most of those hardly dented
Her account but her wins were big so her bankroll was augmented
Unable to hop clubs by night she hoped for clubs by day
Until she'd earned enough to attempt tournament play

Sometimes bad luck made her bust out quite soon
She would start at eleven and be done before noon
But when she reached final tables with a chip lead
She would choose to lose - success led to greed

But she didn't need to tank more - so she thought
Because if she won, how would she be caught?
So she tried a hundred percent, and her first victory meant
That she got a free ride to poker's main event

It was a dream come true, she felt ten feet tall
Then her phone said unknown number so she ignored the call
The message left was short but it wasn't so sweet
It said she made a deal and could not keep her seat

She picked up the phone she was tempted to smash
And screamed at her teacher that she hadn't won cash
He said that it is no matter - "a win is a win
The seat has worth and thus belongs to Rumpletiltskin".

But she wouldn't give up, her tone became frantic
They argued the law and they argued semantics
Each showed steel resolve that was not gonna melt
At last they opted to settle the spat on the felt

Not a normal game since someone could suck
Out on the river and win just from luck
But she could re-claim the seat for her own
By guessing his hole cards before they were shown

The game was heads up hold 'em - no bust outs, just rebuys
As for guessing his hole cards, she'd only get three tries
She needed to make at least one guess per day
There were limits to how long Rumple could stay

On the third hand the small man made ample re-raises
So she made her first guess, and it was "pocket aces"
Then he laughed and guffawed, almost crashed on the floor
Then turned over his cards, showed a jack and a four

The second try came after an hour has passed
When they both got their cards, Rumple mucked them quite fast
She felt by this time she was onto his tricks
And guessed aces again, but he showed her eight six

The clock tocked and ticked as she got her butt kicked,
It was hard not to assume
That the odds of a guess being right were much less
Than that of kings using a broom
Her hard-earned online pay was swept away
As our heroine could not help but lose
The small man kept grinning and spending his winnings
At the hotel bar drinking booze

And as he was drunk, she passed him on his cell
Laughing to a friend about a tell
Which he believed she'd never guess
And what she heard Rumple confess

Was that when eights were what he happened to hold
Rumple would shiver slightly, as if it was cold
But if not looked for it would be hard to detect
So the tournament seat seemed quite safe to expect

Hours later, play was painful, she was once again short-stacked
But during the betting she detected a tremor and decided to act
With no better option to avoid defeat
She guessed pocket eights and won back her seat

Ragpunzel

2011-04-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

She felt a taste of heaven
When she won with three seven
And again when jack deuce cracked king queen
She would frequently suck
Out with beginner's luck
And the things people said were quite mean

She played lots, she played fast
But the luck wouldn't last
Lost her winnings and quite a lot more
So the girl wouldn't get
Into even more debt
Her mom locked her on the tenth floor

Of a tower the family happened to own
For reasons that likely will never be known
It was drafty and old and the cold floors were hard
And no one could visit with money or cards

In fact, nobody could come in at all
No entrance, just exit, a quick fatal fall
Her food was passed through a hold in the wall
Of course no phone service so the cops weren't called

But as the weeks passed, the economy sputtered
And her father's business essentially guttered
It was practically bankrupt and ripe for disposal
But the creditors made an eccentric proposal

Her family had a chance - give up everything to repo
Or play a game for a chance to get out of the deep hole
Whether lose or fail to try the result would be the same
The problem was the option was to play a poker game

The thing about this game is it would not be normal poker
While it would be hold 'em with no wild cards or jokers
The difference was winning with bad cards in the pocket
Would be rewarded more than taking down a hand with rockets

In place was a system in which the more atrocious
The starting cards held, the bigger the bonus
So the quickest way to start kicking caboose
Was the five times pot bonus for off suit seven deuce

Husband and wife huddled up to commiserate
And reluctantly let their daughter participate
Her donkey calls helped Ragpunzel save her family
And she could stay down as long as she just played poker for free

Risks, Rewards, & Information

2011-04-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

When I play cards odds are I'm conservative
I'd like to think my bankroll deserves to live
When you're broke like me well it hurts to give
but some prefer an exciting alternative

When poker's concerned, nothing gets the heart racing
Like a game where there's little to be gained from ace king
Where each hand's win or lose, not much patience or pacing
Just a lot to be won when your hand is a great thing

Flushes and full houses can make you feel fine
But less so when expected to give tips and dine
To have all the thrill but not make wallets whine
The best plan's to play video poker online

Sometimes, though, you might search for diversity
Might not be as much fun to remain immersed in the
Same game all day - there's a need for variety
I can be helpful - at least I can try to be

I can tell you that finding the best online casinos
Can feel harder than searching a dumpster for clean clothes
Unless you can find all the right information
To stay educated on the best recreation

Make sure it's all legal, try to read the fine print
Because breaking the rules can cost you a mint
But if you play it straight and play your cards right
You can have lots of fun and lots of funds in one night

Ignorance Isn't Bliss

2008-04-12T13:52:00.000-07:00

My cards are the sunset, your cards are the mud
At this game that we play I'm an absolute stud
You can't hold a candle the the hand I hold
I've got a low flush, you see it, good fold

Your cards are lemons, my cards are sweet
I don't need to draw after fifth street
But I can paint the picture in my head
Of getting your chips, you're drawing dead

I'm Kobayashi, you are in a bun
You will be gone when you know that I won
Our hands have been shown, so send me your stack
Stop your complaining I won't give it back

My cards were pyrite, your cards were gold
The hand that I had was horrible to hold
I feel like a donkey, a moron, a spazz
I wish I had known that we were playing Razz

Eulogy

2008-04-04T20:04:00.000-07:00

I would like to reminisce about times long past
When excitement kept my heart beating fast
I never thought my fortune might not last
Living was playing not looking ahead

Aces a-plenty and drawing was cheap
Chips would not fit inside pockets deep
I told many people to read 'em and weep
Luck let me not get walloped 'til I bled

But it has been hours since the time when
I would be winning then winning again
Now big blind I paired both my five and ten
My foe has a heart - so I'm still in the red

Here lie my cards, center table, face down
Useless like designer suits to a clown
If I were insane I might run through the town
Shouting, "Long lived my cards, my cards are dead!"

The Wizard of Odds

2008-03-28T12:23:00.000-07:00

Life on the farm was hard and boring
Little sleeping, lots of choring
And there was simply no ignoring
That they were poor so the girl cried
She was sick of digging ditches
Dreamed of quickly gaining riches
Or a loan, but the bank's witches
Turned Auntie down when she applied

Then 'twas a cruel hand fate dealt her
It seemed sure the wind would belt her
She tried to get into the shelter
But alas there was no room
The twister tore across the prairie
From her room it looked so scary
So she prayed to Mother Mary
And waited for her pending doom

Although the wind was very mighty
It didn't even harm her slightly
But bore the house daily and nightly
Then dropped it gently - such a shock
She felt quite nauseous and exhausted
As for her mind, she thought she lost it
When she was practically accosted
And asked, "Are you a fish or a rock"?

It turned out the town unraveled
And became as poor a gravel
And its people couldn't travel
Since their money was all gone
The witch that said she earned it
Since in card skills she was learned
And she would only return it
If a house fell on her lawn

And despite her magic powers
The witch could not save her flowers
She gave cash back and cried for hours
And the girl received immense
Love like emperors from Romans
Unlike real-life Willy Lomans
But she just wanted to go home since
At least life there made some sense

She expressed what she desired
"Why is that?" one man inquired
"Over here you're so admired
Almost on par with the gods."
All attempts to change the kid's stance
Were met with utmost resistance
So she was told to seek assistance
From the great Wizard of Odds

She wasn't one for introspection
So she ran in the direction
Of the man whose gold collection
Might be bigger than Fort Knox
She fled so fast they didn't fund her
Or give her food to fend off hunger
And she couldn't help but wonder
What was up with fish and rocks

The Good Witch knew what she'd be needing
So she sent messengers out speeding
To make sure roadside homes were feeding
The girl and letting her take baths
At night each family played the same
Suspense and lying-filled card game
To the small girl it seemed quite lame
And all in all too full of maths

She found a man with a straw-filled head
A man of tin - which is better than lead
A lion often overwhelmed by dread
Each wanted to see the wizard too
The first two filled her with pity
So they could both go to Sin City
And she'd always wanted a little kitty
For now the lion would have to do

As they progressed the four were pestered
By a witch as ugly as Uncle Fester
That conjured walls and thus sequestered
The group so they could not refuse
The challenge of a poker war -
Revenge for making the witch's sister poor
The witch won pennies - nothing more
The band did not have much to lose

At last they reached the city of sin
Of course the doorman let them in
And spoke of how much they could win
To see the con doesn't take a sage
They were told that if one wants to see
The wizard one must wager heavily
So they worked in a chip factory
In order to earn a betting wage

They made a bit and gave it back
Playing poker and blackjack
And had to return to the fac-
Tory - they hadn't bet enough
They couldn't afford to buy mints
After another hour betting since
They stunk - but they got an audience
With the wizard - that wasn't so tough

The Wizard said he'd only give advice
If the Western Witch who isn't nice
Lost to the girl in a poker war twice
The tin man said "No way in Hell"
Expecting to be asked to leave
He found response hard to believe
It was, "In cards it is hard to achieve
Success without picking battles well.

"Like if you have an ace and ten
Odds are you'd bet, but think again
If there have been several raises when
Your turn comes, odds are you're beat.
But if your stack is very small
And your cards aren't good at all
In the big blind you have to call
Since waiting will ensure defeat."

Then he explained a substantial amount
About poker - far too much to recount
He touched more bases than Robin Yount
It took a quarter of a day
They learned when it is right to steal
A pot and also how to deal
They took a break and ate a meal
If you must know - 'twas fish fillet

And then the scarecrow was addressed
He said, "Consider yourself blessed
Poker players are often stressed
When their brains make them play a game.
Tin Man, many shunned your request
To play due to your empty chest
Here's a lawyer's card - this one's the best
And you'll find her fees are fairly tame.

"And lion, with what you've learned tonight
I believe that as long as you play tight
Your future in poker is very bright
So there's nothing for you to fear.
And little girl, with what you know
I'd be shocked if in a month or so
You haven't earned sufficient dough
To buy a ticket out of here."

Then things basically went as planned
By using her head in every hand
The girl returned to her homeland
And missed school - but just a little bit
When she got back they still were poor
She could have fixed that fact for sure
By joining the World Poker Tour
But the law of the land prevented it

A Confederacy of Deuces

2008-03-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

O Fortuna, why must you fill my pocket with lint
In this game we call cards, can you give me a hint?
Ignore me all you want I know you are there
When you hand me a fate that just isn't fair
My hand almost never has a queen or an ace or a king
But I often see a deuce as tunes of mockery you sing
Deuce seven, deuce eight, deuce nine, deuce jack
Those lead to wasted time I shall never get back
Time better spent in a store by the street
Purchasing chips I can actually eat

But I digress as I regress with respect to my finances
I yearn for success but Fortuna denies me all chances
Duece deuce deuce i get more trash than a landfill
If matters do not improve I shall surely feel ill
Sometimes despite the deuce I place a deceptive bet
But every time my ruse is betrayed by my sweat
When dealt a pair of aces I was shocked and said, "Hooray"
Then bet a lot but alas nobody wanted to play
Today my losses in dollars were exactly eight eight
But I am not at fault I blame the deuces dealt by fate

You're Dracula

2008-03-13T17:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I try to make my poker poems singable by using pre-existing songs. This one uses "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt.

My hand was iffy
Yours was much worse
Yet you outdrew me
This really hurts
You seemed like you called with nothing
I had sixes and was right
But since you are a river rat
I lost and that bites

You're Dracula
You're Dracula
You're Dracula, it's true
Your frame is slight, yet you ruled the night
When with bat-like speed chips flew
From my stack to that of you

Well you sucked me dry
With your seven high
Two runner inside straight which made me
Almost cry
My set of queens seemed so sweet on the flop
But I helped you buy a house on a hilltop

You're Dracula
You're Dracula
You're Dracula, I say
Couldn't stand my
Reflection if I
Shared your crazy style of play
But it's tough to have to pay

You're Dracula
You're Dracula
You're Dracula. it's true
I must leave the table since I'm broke and a disgrace
But next time I'll be imitating you
And I'll probably lose a shoe
Since I will suck just like you

False Outs

2008-03-08T08:24:00.000-08:00

Why must you always destroy me, false outs?
Causing confidence when I should have doubts
Giving me hope when I should have none
I must learn to spot you so that I can run

Like a nine on the river for a ten high straight
But eight jack beats eight six and I bemoan my fate
Or a late ace for Broadway and I feel such a rush
But the ace was a spade which gave someone a flush

Why must you torment me, O draws of no use
You almost convince me to stop playing loose
You make me go broke and need to buy more chips
And feel like a sailboat racing against cruise ships

When the river brings a set of tens I'll be betting the max
Not knowing that my opponent already had a set of jacks
Or I draw the nut flush thanks to the board's second ace
Which gives my opponent a boat and tears flow down my face

So many times I've loved my odds and yet was drawing dead
I thought that I found a gold mine but it was a pyrite bed
Therefore I must to apply what I've been writing about
And bet using my mind without praying for false outs

Defending My Blinds

2008-03-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

Like a brave soldier I'm defending my blinds
Opposing offensives with cards of all kinds
Underarmed and outnumbered is no reason to flee
Likewise I'll stay in with my queen and a three

A coward will wait for days for better supplies
Saying sometimes accepting small losses is wise
A hero will charge with one bullet left, unafraid
I'll risk it all with two twos if I've already paid

They're glad since they know that they won't have to limp
I'm glad since I know that I am not a wimp
I don't care that I won much less than I lost
I'm defending my blinds at whatever the cost

Is Poker a Sport?

2008-03-06T10:50:00.000-08:00

Like young lovers playing hard to get
We hide our emotions and hope not to sweat
Veins have ice water so shirts don't get wet
Heart needs beat at one speed to keep out of debt

And yet sportscenter coverage can be hard to find
Because the body takes a back seat to the mind
They will see a portly person parked on his behind
But not a brilliant double bluff to bankrupt the big blind

Home runs and slam dunks - yes, they impress
But is defeating three kings with a flush any less
Of a feat when he was all in with less than a pair
And had to stay sharp for all day to get there?

Athletes need a strong psyche and a steady hand
How those are used is much easier to understand
On a field or the links or a basketball court
But that doesn't mean that it isn't a sport